Whenever we are stressed by our current situation, it is valuable to be able to pause and take a few breaths so that we may consider how our reactivity layers on more difficulty. I often feel this is highlighted by our most intimate relationships. Whether it is with a partner, children, or other close relationships, there is a tendency to unleash more of our stronger emotions when in conflict with our loved ones. The result is typically increased challenge and less clarity regarding the message we are attempting to convey, or more emotional reactivity and less balanced responsiveness. As an example, I may be disproportionately angry with my kids about coming in with mud on their shoes and yell, but upon later reflection – realize that the anger was not about the mud but about an incident I had while dealing with my bank earlier in the day.
The challenge is to be able to slow down and reflect in the moment as to where my anger really comes from – awareness building. Next, I would recognize the reality of the current situation and see that the mud is only tracked a few feet into the hallway and that there is no permanent damage – acceptance building. Now clearly this is just a little dirt that my kids will be happy to sweep up rather than argue about, if they value a relaxed parent who will be making their dinner. Finally, there is taking responsibility for my over-reaction and acknowledge directly to them that my anger is about some other unrelated situation - self responsibility. Lastly, they will assist each other in the cleanup and domestic bliss is restored….well, this is theory and we all know that practice is essential for all new skills.
The goal of having less emotional reactivity and more balanced responsiveness may clearly be aided by awareness, acceptance, and self responsibility. This is a purposeful method of waking up to our present moment and responding more appropriately to any given situation. No matter how often I remind myself of these skills, I may still find myself in the midst of turmoil. Perfection isn’t the goal, it is being able to wake up to the present moment, accept how we may be mistaken and take responsibility for a more balanced and skillful outcome. I strive to be a better parent, partner, or friend but do not punish myself with notions of perfection…..although to have a home with consistently clean floors can still be a dream.